Untangling Unhealthy Bonds Between Mother and Child

This is a common entanglement that I have experienced myself by being the confidant of my mother’s difficulties at an early age. This entanglement inhibits emotional, spiritual, and expressive freedom of the child who suddenly is burdened with the responsibility of his/her mother’s happiness.
This “friendship” at a very young age holds a lot of pain and deep hurt for both parents as the mother turns to the child to be her confidant. In contrast, men may distance themselves, often due to a perceived shift of attention away from them. This distancing occurs frequently because these men may be unprepared or unequipped to provide the emotional support the mother seeks, resulting in barriers to effective communication within the couple.

Obviously, the mother’s actions are not intentional; she doesn’t know about these hidden dynamics and she lacked sufficient support while growing up and has yet to address her own emotional wounds. Trapped in the belief that she is nothing without her child, she inadvertently fosters an entangled relationship. If you find resonance with this mother-child entanglement looking back at your childhood, or if you’re a mother identifying with this situation concerning your own child, it is imperative to address the feelings of self-separation, emptiness, and the deeper wounds of abandonment with an open heart and gentle guidance. Failing to do so may perpetuate a cycle caused by what Systemic Therapy terms “blind love,” where children, unprepared emotionally, feel responsible (and burdened) for their mothers’ happiness and fulfillment, a weight too heavy to carry.

Shame and Guilt

‍Shame and guilt are hidden companions to this dynamic, as they infiltrate children’s livelihood unnoticed, stemming from the unrealistic expectation of being a friend who is mature enough to support their mother’s needs. This shame comes from thinking we should be our mother’s best friend when we’re very young. Children start blaming themselves for their mother’s sadness, which leads them to feel guilty, dislike themselves, and blame themselves even more. Several scenarios contribute to these entangled relationships, such as being entrusted with a mother’s secrets, exposure to parental conflicts, or a mother relying on her children for emotional support. Due to guilt, children might unconsciously start to sacrifice their physical and/or mental health so they can “help mom,” so by also going through some kind of suffering, they can get rid of these guilt feelings. It’s something like: “how can I be well while my mother is suffering?”. So, children unconsciously sacrifice their own wellbeing, under the mistaken belief that such sacrifices will improve their mothers’ emotional state. Paradoxically, this well-intentioned sacrifice will have the opposite effect. The mother, already seeking emotional support, now finds herself additionally burdened with managing the health or behavioural issues of the child, creating a complex and challenging dynamic for both, as these are unconscious processes hidden from our ordinary consciousness.

Individuation Process

‍Liberating oneself from this entangled relationship can often trigger guilt, as individuals grapple with the sense of betraying their mothers. Achieving true freedom involves a step-by-step process of addressing inner emptiness, allowing for separation and individuation while still maintaining a loving connection with the parent. Individuation, a pivotal developmental process, encounters obstacles when the child’s friendship with the mother takes precedence over their capacity to forge an independent identity. These lingering issues manifest in challenges associated with forming healthy connections with others, both in friendships and romantic relationships, as well as difficulties in many other areas of their lives. This hindrance often results in unresolved entanglements that extend beyond the parent-child relationship.

If you have experienced such situations during childhood or are currently facing them as a mother, it is crucial to confront the disheartening experience of our children’s innocence being let down. As children or teenagers, we were burdened with too much responsibility too soon, rendering us unable to fulfill the role of an adult and assist our mothers.

The natural flow of love dictates that parents give while children take. Reversing this dynamic places children in a position they are not ready to handle—an equal to their parents, an adult, or even the parent of their parents. This reversal is likely to lead to undesirable consequences along the way.